Fear

For a second there, I was frozen. My body went numb and my heart stopped.

It felt as I was restrained, caught in a madman’s dream. That second seemed like an eternity, trapped in a lonely world, frozen and watched by every fear I have ever had, judged by my every choice I had ever made that brought me here. My mind being overflowed with terribly and gruesome imagery, of future outcomes that could not be described easily, for its macabre nature exceed the mind of the sane. Why I was to be haunted by such repulsive sceneries I could not answer.

Before I knew what was happening I was running, for everything that I used to hold dear, for every hope I ever had, every struggle I had in life, for every life I had touched, for every person I had loved, for everything I wanted to accomplish before my life’s flame were to be extinguished. I ran through the city, blinded by the city’s everlasting darkness and fueled by the fear of what may hide in it. Without stopping I felt my breath running short, the cold breeze of the city’s night air, fighting my face with every step. With my adrenaline pumping I kept running, not knowing if whatever evil back there were to be following me.

One’s body can only endure so much physical strain before giving up. So I miss-stepped and fell hurling down at the pavement, face first, scraping both hands and knees in the process.

I felt sweat running down my face, dripping from my nose towards the pavement as I tried to stand, my hands bleeding, aching with my hearts every beat. My heart was beating faster than ever before; I was just trying to catch my breath, until that thought struck me.

Had I manage to escape the grasp of my unknown assailant?

I began to slowly turn my head to check behind me, when I noticed I was right in front of my building. I took my remaining strength and stood up, eagerly checking around me, to see if there was anything there that might had followed me here.

To my relief there was nothing to be seen, except the dark maze of buildings that was the town. So I took my bag with my drinks and stepped towards the door. Exhausted and being a nervous wreck made me fumble a great deal with the keys to the door, but finally after calming my nerves and regaining my stamina, I managed to open the door.

Once inside my apartment, I feared to turn on the light. I fear of letting any entity know my whereabouts. For I had never experience such horrifying fear before this very night, even though given the circumstances seemed improbable, surely it had amplified the fear of the situation.

Although I found some comfort of being back in safety of my quarters, I almost never stop watching at the door. Waiting for it, my impending doom, that had been implanted by whichever thing that lurked in the shadows.

I sat in my couch, trying to calm myself; I reached for a bottle of alcohol, but never losing sight of the door. I slowly opened the bottle, quietly, as if anybody was listening after a sound that I would make.

The whiskey burned my throat as it went down; feeling the warmth in my cold body helped me relax. After a few drinks, I went up from the couch and barricaded my door with my old closet. The task had made me a bit uneasy as it made a lot of sound moving it. But after it had been about 1 hour, with no sound of anybody or anything I finally relaxed completely.

The night was spent drinking and calming down from today’s events. Trying to collect my thoughts and trying to plan what to do next, trying to make sense of it all. But after a few drinks, my mind was yet again foggy, now by the sweet embrace of alcohol. The more I drank, the more my mind was slipping, and my focus disoriented, until finally,

I fell asleep.

Darkness

The liquor store.
(Picture taken from http://tenthousandtendrils.tumblr.com/)

 

In the end my voice was gone, and the only sound that was to be heard was the echo of my voice, flowing through the vast emptiness of the city.

Soon there was nothing. Nothing but a fragile man, alone in both mind and place. Wondering where the world went.

Hours past, and I hadn’t moved even once. I just lay there in the middle of the plaza, blankly staring at the sky. I couldn’t think clearly, although i don’t know if it was because of the hangover, or the current situation I am in. But I lay there, watching day turning into night, feeling no hunger, no exhaustion, only despair and confusion.

Eventually I was able to muster up the strength to get up and do something, just anything. While everything seemed hopeless and unnecessary I also recollected the thought; I could do anything I want. Even though that sounded like an unreal thought, it gave me some comfort.

While standing there, I thought of what I was to do now. My head was rushed with thoughts and ideas. But every thought was in a haze, clouded by my feelings. Focusing on a simple thought proved almost to be fruitless. Until I finally was able to concentrate on one simply plan. Go home, sleep it off and try tomorrow.

But in the current despair my heart was drowning in, the thought of sleep seemed like impossible dream. Though tired I might be, the recollection of today’s events would surely haunt my dreams, and once again I was dumbstruck in the hopelessness of the situation.

I thought of nothing that could give me solace except the dulling kiss of alcohol. So I cleared my thoughts, and began my quest to find probably the only comfort that I have ever had relied on.

While alcohol was probably nothing but a temporarily solution to my current dilemma, it was the greatest solution I had been able to come up with. Seeing as not only would it help me “sleep” but also dull my senses and perhaps clear my head.

And thus I began to search for the only liquor store in this small town.

The search wouldn’t have been so long if it wasn’t  for my newly found disorientation in the darkness of the town. But after what seemed like an eternity I finally stood in front of the store.

The building was rather big but the store itself was but  a small piece of this building. As I stood there I did not so much find relief as I found my heart being overwhelmed by this sadness, of all the memories when I went there shopping, meeting the nice clerk that always smiled, the one time I helped an elderly man buy his whiskey and nodded politely towards his racist joke or when with my then current girlfriend, too drunk to walk properly, fell into the freezer while getting some ice. Everything, now gone in the blink of an eye, while the only thing that remained was the giant concrete skeleton which now only seemed as a monument to the past glory of humankind.

While reminiscing about the past, I almost forgot what I had come here to do, to find enough alcohol to drink myself to oblivion.

So I promptly went into the store, gathering every different kind of drink I could imagine I would enjoy. Of course the only thing that I took was hard liquors, seeing as anything less would only slow down the process

But while gathering the necessities for tonight’s sleep I was struck by this sublime feeling of fear and uneasiness. Granted, I had felt that during the whole day, but this was different, it felt like I was being studied, almost like a predator studies its prey.

After getting what I needed, I started walking home. The city was still as dark as ever, seeing as it was still the middle of the night it wasn’t that much of a surprise.

About half way home, I felt this uneasiness once again, something lingering in the shadows, an ominous presence, following me, studying me, watching me.

When suddenly my brain screamed

”Stop!”

And my right foot froze in mid-air.